my grays and blues

1400 miles

2008-07-12T19:22:00.000-07:00

i moved to austin.
i start a job next week.
i'm the happiest person ever.

uh huh uh huh.

1400 miles later...... success?!
i hope so.
i hope this lasts....

west coast

2008-05-29T16:30:00.000-07:00

"And i miss you (ooooh…)
I’m goin back home to the west coast
I wish you woulda put yourself in my suitcase
I love you
Standin all alone in a black coat
I miss you
I'm goin back home to the west coast"

not even out a week and i miss my california life.
i miss my california friends.
and i have to ask myself "really what does texas have to offer me that california lacks?"
and why does my stupid brain do this to me? the grass is always greener on the other side. i keep running back and forth to get to the other side only to go back again. leave again. go back again. leave again. how much longer will this last? how many more times will my friends say hello and welcome and then goodbye again before they have had enough of my shit?

i think i made a mistake. and i hate mistakes. i think i made a big one. i think i should have stayed in my life in california. sucked it up and pulled through. i think i ruined good things. great things. because of my desire to lay in the greener, lusher grass that most definitely does not exist anywhere except inside my brain. but i'm halfway over to the other side and already it is getting hotter, stickier, more complicated. and now california is the oasis i lack. maybe i just want to be everywhere at once. or nowhere.

maybe if i quit listening to this damn coconut records song i wouldn't be thinking all of these thoughts in the first place. lol.

tibet here i come.

out and about

2008-05-01T08:41:00.000-07:00

as promised domo will be making some outings with me and i'll be uploading photos from our adventures. domo and i met some friends for drinks at the edison and had a good old time. so good of a time that i didn't wake up in time to make it to the gym the next morning. this the amazing bar. i am in love with this place.

here is domo girl having a drink with jenny and stella. notice that i did turn domo into a girl by adding a bow :]

domo girl was a hit. she got pretty drunk at the reserved table. and apparently insulted a french dude. leave it to domo girl to be so rude!

domo girl also ate all of the fries!! so much for going to the gym and getting abs of steel. bad domo girl!

here you can see my horrible photog skills trying to capture more of the bar. it is really elegant and dark. i love it.

mine and jenny's thighs of steel.

domo girl trying to drink somebody's drink.

and finally yeah domo girl drunk off of her bum.

then david walked me and domo girl home. on our way we spotted these birds. david thought my flash would send them flying. but these are downtown birds, they aren't afraid of anything. ANYTHING!!

all in all i think it was a good night. domo girl had a good time. we made it home safely and lived to tell the tale.

biologically speaking

2008-04-30T18:33:00.000-07:00

my friends are always telling me that i need to speak up. that i need to say what is on my mind more often. when they say it i agree, but inside it feels like an impossibility.

i let my infinite thoughts inside my head swim around until they go off and are so distant it is like they just stopped existing. really they are just hiding somewhere in my mind. and really only the most filtered, smallest selection of my thoughts get shared.

in this way i have become my mother. and it frightens me. i remember always asking her that dreaded question 'what is wrong?' and never getting a response. silence. it was her weapon or flaw. i don't know.

i started making decisions for my life and future when i was fourteen. i was self-sufficient and independent by the age of seventeen. i graduated from university and have visited shores my mother has never even considered.

but still no matter how different i try to be from this woman i have inherited her silence. despite all of my efforts to never be like her i've adopted her tongue biting. and i don't know what to do. no matter how ridiculous it is i always feel my biology has set me up for failure.

domo obsession

2008-04-21T16:32:00.000-07:00

so i'm obsessed with this little guy

i found him by accident one day while i was shopping and spending the money that i should have been saving for project relocation.

i now want this

and maybe this too

and of course a shirt would be pretty nice to have as well

no one else really shares this obsession or really understands it. lol. during my blog snooping i found this guy who posts pictures of this stuffed animal doing everything with him. so basically wherever this guy goes his cow goes. i think me and my domo doll should be the same way. that will be my blog. my life acted out by my domo doll.

stay tuned if you don't think it is incredibly lame.

he's brown and screaming what is not to like?!!

drunk dialing

2008-04-16T16:34:00.000-07:00

okay
i just want to end the dialing part
not the drunk part

i've said it before and i'll say it again- my drunk little fingers will be the end of me.

the anatomy of melancholy

2008-04-14T09:22:00.000-07:00

i work two jobs and go to the gym. i have run out of things to say. i don't have time to form opinions. i don't even have political views anymore. i'm tired. i don't even know if i like my friends anymore. (just kidding friends i love you, that sentence was for dramatic effect only.) so i'm tired. and a bore.

décolletage

2008-04-14T08:55:00.000-07:00

i wear a sweater in the desert heat so men won't stare at my breasts.

and people are always shocked when i say i would cut them off in a second if given the opportunity.

seventy two hours

2008-04-10T16:19:00.000-07:00

and she got tired of being faithful to the idea of you.

succexy

2008-04-09T09:31:00.000-07:00

so this is my third week going to the gym :]
i feel fabulous. my first week i started off at 1.67 miles in 30 minutes and i was dying. week three and i am already up to 3.09 miles in 30 minutes. woohoo!

but i think i am going to stop counting miles and up the resistance level. i'll see what happens when i do that. and i love the balance ball!!

i think the ball is one of the best inventions EVER. i want to buy one for my apartment so i can work-out at home. but i probably won't invest until i relocate. i also love that balance thing that lays flat on the floor. i don't know what it is called but at 24 hour fitness they are mega stingy and only trainers are allowed to use it >.<

kim and i tried to do pull ups on this weight machine yesterday. yeah i made a complete ass out of myself. i did one and then just hung there because i could not pull myself up for a second one. i am hoping to get super fit.

now i just need to make a work out mix on my ipod.
doing cardio to radiohead just isn't working out for me.

insipid woman that i am

2008-04-08T13:57:00.000-07:00

i believe i desire to be a poet.
a published poet.
even if only self-published.

i wish i wrote this:

"if i didn't know the difference living alone'd probably be ok
it wouldn't be lonely
i got a long way to go
i'm getting further away
a lot of hours to occupy, it was easy when i didn't know you yet
things i'd have to forget
but i better be quiet now
i'm tired of wasting my breath
carrying on and getting upset
maybe i got a problem, but that's not what i wanted to say
i'd prefer to say nothing.
i got a long way to go
i'm getting further away."

© elliott smith

but instead these are my words:

contagion

i'm nervous

because she
wins
she has your history
folded up and tucked
away in the side pocket
of her purse
begging to
pose a
threat
by bringing it out to re.mind
you
lure
you
a w a y

from me

with her
sneaky
familiarity

© mja

sometimes i wish i wasn't so pathetically female.
so unlike joe i will simply have another poem for 'everyone' to read. lol just because i don't think i can focus long enough to write anything else.

so until i can think of something more worthwhile this is all i have.

same typical offering

2008-04-08T10:28:00.000-07:00

everyone else was doing it.
i thought i should too.